Sometimes I hate writing

I hate writing!. 

Yes, the girl who does a lot of writing, hates writing. 

I have my reasons…which I now have to write about!. 

To begin with, and despite what people think, I am not a good writer. I can write in my head and it sounds wonderful but let me loose near a blank page and I fill that page with absolute mush and garbage. Just anything. Just rubbish that’s full of poorly executed paragraphs and sentences that dearly wish to be somewhere else. And don’t get me started on grammar and spelling. 

I find it frustrating. I know what I should be saying but it’s not what comes out. 

I think dictation might be easier. Just talking and watching the words appear on the screen but then I worry that I wouldn’t feel that I was actually creating by doing that as it reduces the effort of writing; the clacking on the keyboard or the imprint of pen upon the page. I’d feel as though I wasn’t torturing myself enough and that it just wasn’t me. 

I so want to write something memorable. I think I can but then I read stuff that’s been published and realised I don’t stand a chance of getting a traditional publisher. I find that what I write isn’t ‘traditional’ or the ‘usual’ and have a hard time finding a place for mine amongst the many thousands of titles that are published every year. I find myself intimidated by the brilliance of other writers and then also occasionally depressed when I see something that I feel isn’t half as good as mine.

So yes, I hate writing. It’s just another thing I’m not good at and it’s added to a very, very, very long list. 

Perhaps it’s best if I never publish anything. Tho you know it wouldn’t stop me from publishing still……..

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